My Grief Is Like the Ocean: A Story for Children Who Lost a Parent to Suicide

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For a very long time I had my own expectation of what people go through when they lose loved ones; however, I truly never connected with the type of pain. I was on the outside looking in. It was when I had my own experience of loss that I understood the unbearable pain that comes afterwards. With this experience I realized that my own expectations of grieving was completely wrong and frankly what I was told about the grief process is wrong. In my family, grief was portrayed as an event that you get over and if you ignore it long enough it will simple disappear. Grief is not something “to get over” but it is a process of learning to live again. Grief is an adjustment to a new way of life. It is in watching clients rediscover themselves that I find grief work so rewarding. To be able to watch someone transform and form a new identify without their loved one is a joyous experience. BUT grief work also means holding space for the pain to come through. Losing a loved one leaves a emptiness that cannot be filled and allowing clients to find out that it’s OK not to be OK. There will be days when the missing of the loved one seems excruciating and then there will be days when you experience tremendous happiness. There is no timeline and not everyone will experience grief the same way. I am not here to “fix”. My purpose is to help clients navigate into this new way of life and find joy once again. The waves of grief are no different. You might understand intellectually that they will keep coming, but some days they hit more forcefully, more fiercely than you ever imagined possible. And just when you thought you might be able to predict the next set, a rogue wave comes rushing in, undermining your balance and sweeping your feet out from under you."

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

Like the ocean, waves of grief come and go. At first it feels like the waves are crashing over your head, but then, eventually, the grief begins to recede. The grief will most likely rise again in some form or fashion, but enjoying the calm and being thankful for the times when grief isn’t too bad is an important part of the healing process. It’s easy to feel guilty for “being ok,” but it’s a positive thing when you make progress after a devastating loss or difficult experience. And everyone will experience the waves of grief in a different way.

I have read it many times, and it always resonates with me. In the early stages of my grief, it would make me sadder, sometimes angrier. After a few months I felt let down by it’s truth. As if God, or life, or even my own husband could’ve prevented this painful life sentence I now have to carry forever. The reality of loss doesn’t immediately sink in. The consequences of loss can take years to manifest, sending a new wave of emotion when least expected. Waves of grief usually happen around the time of significant events that you missed out on, like your loved one’s graduation from college, wedding day, or retirement. Your emotions are unpredictableThe key to surviving grief and the crashing waves, as they seem to wash over us continually, is the happy memory or memories we will carry of those lost, perhaps with lots of scars.

Seeking out a clergy member, therapist, or professional to help work through angry feelings; greater understanding can help you move forward. I realized something this past week that I think is an important part of my healing process. I was walking and talking to God about how I was feeling. I haven’t been as devastated as I have in previous weeks and I wasn’t sure why. I am still sad and wish things were different. But, I believe the grief has receded for the moment. I’ve begun to accept Andrew’s death and realized that being devastated isn’t going to change anything. So, the debilitating tears and emotions have subsided, for the time being at least. We accept that grief has come and gone, and it will come again, and we survive the sorrow and loss by knowing that love and life are always right in front of us. We can only provide our unique services thanks to the generosity of people like you. Your support helps us support more people suffering through loss. Donate now Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

How can we deal with anger?

There was no time for me to effectively process and grieve the loss of one of these immensely amazing women before losing the next one. Both my Other Mother and my Grandmother’s passing's were imminent, we had time to prepare, but you’re never actually prepared. My mother passed very suddenly and without warning, leaving us reeling from the news. We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.--- John Green